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Have A Gander At My Pokemon!

So I’ve put this off for a while now and I feel that I’m ready to get back to the blogging world. In honor of my not-so-glorious return, I have decided to talk about the world’s most sought after little bastards. That’s right,

Fuck yes

When I was a kid, I didn’t know of anyone who was not a huge Poke-nerd. It was hard not to be, I mean come on, a world full of cute/badass monsters with amazing powers and every 10 year old kid had to set out on an exciting journey as a Pokemon Trainer to become Pokemon Master! You get to battle with monsters AND get get away from your parents! What’s not to love?

Everything about the world of Pokemon was amazing, EVERYTHING! No one cared about the fact that catching all 150 Pokemon was a daunting task, they just HAD to Catch ‘Em All. The whole cult-like phenomena started

If you didn't have this, your parents didn't love you.

with the pants-jizzingly addictive Red and Blue Game Boy Color games, as well as the oh-so special Yellow Versionthat I personally spent years playing. I will never get the time wasted on those games back…and I don’t even regret it :D. It was so new, so fun, so awesome, and yet so simple of a concept. If you haven’t yet figured it out, Pokemon is, at its core, Rock, Paper, Scissors! But as a kid, who gives a shit huh?

Things got even better with the arrival of the Anime series as well as the Trading Card Game. We addicts finally had a way to waste even more of our lives while pretending to live in a fantastic fantasy world. Our mothers and fathers (and school teachers) were just about fed up with us and our obsession, but they just didn’t understand! They were too old to start their Pokemon journey anyway 😛 But, like everything else that we kids got hooked on, Pokemon eventually lost its grasp on us. We had become “too old” and believed Pokemon to be “for little kids”. We lost all interest in the little critters that we had sold our souls to and put the Poke-past behind us.

And then they made new Pokemon!

Life was beautiful again. There were new adventures, new dangers, and most importantly, new Pokemon! 100+ new Pokemon species were available for us to drool over again with the Gold and Silver versions. It felt like a whole new experience. The new Pokemon were interesting, the new moves were awesome, and of course the new starter Pokemon were more bad ass. Yet once again, we became bored after a few years and put our Game Boys away for good. Or so we thought 😉 With the introduction of the Game Boy Advanced the arrival of a new Pokemon game was highly expected and we waited and waited diligently. Once it finally arrived we, now teenagers, decided to try it for old times sake. The new Ruby and Sapphire. Good game. Kinda getting a bit repetitive though. And the new Pokemon? Meh…cool I guess.

I couldn’t help thinking that Pokemon had become just another franchise that pushed out new games for the sole purpose of making money. It wasn’t about entertaining kids anymore, those of us who started the Poke-Rage had already grown up and moved on to other things. I still played the games, but I never felt the same way about them as I had in the past. They are now in the 5th Generation of Pokemon and I have to say that they are the worst lot I have set my Pokemon Master eyes upon. I mean…really, they have an ice-cream cone Pokemon…an ICE CREAM CONE! They have really fallen hard trying to come up with interesting designs.

A mustache?...What the fuck 😐

WHAT THE FUCK AM I!??!?!?!

The original 150 Pokemon were great, the next 100, awesome, but after adding over 400 additional species? Pathetic. I have lost all faith in Pokemon as a human being, but I still have that spot in my heart reserved for the Poke-Nerd that I once was. I still dream of the days when I trained my Pokemon with love and compassion, leveling them up, defeating gym leader after gym leader. The time when I finally received my last Gym Badge from Giovanni and faced the legendary Elite Four! One by one they fell before me and my powerful Pokemon until I became the Pokemon Master! Now all I can say is that I won’t even try to become the Poke-Master. Who has the time anymore? Who has the money? The new Pokemon are just a former shell of the glorious days of PokeMania. I can’t be the only one who hasn’t resumed their quest of catching them all.

So let me ask you.

Will you step up to the task of completing the Pokemon Journey you started over 10 years ago?
Will you catch ’em all? And most importantly,
Will you be the very best, like no one ever was? 

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Posted by on July 29, 2011 in Pokemon, Randomlessness

 

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Cuntry Music And Its Horrible Effects On Humanity (Not for Children)

Kids, DO NOT read this. Or go ahead, just don’t tell your parents 😉

No, that is not a misspelling. Country music is literally one of the worst sounds to ever be emitted from a musical instrument in the history of sound. I don’t want to hear a fiddle every damn song okay! I don’t give a flying fuck about your pathetic excuse for a life you damn country bumfucks. Every song is about the EXACT SAME THING!

The only great country musician

How many songs about makin’ love, having a cold beer, lovin’ yer baby, being a country man, and all the rest of the pathetic waste of activities does it take for a redneck to say, “This sounds like the last 23 songs I’ve heard all day.”? The answer doesn’t exist because a redneck is too stupid to notice.

For fuck sake, I can’t even tell country musicians apart because, just like their music, they all sound alike. And the female singers? Even worse! That high pitch harpy screeching really annoys the piss out of me and makes me cringe at every note. T-Swift is an obvious exception to this predicament, but who knows? Maybe in 10 years she’ll be just like every other female country musician.

This is just a fraction of the hatred I have for the existence that is Country Music. Neither words nor actions can express how I feel about it. I have listened to old country music. The days of Johnny Cash and…well to be honest Johnny Cash is the only other country musician I liked. But anyway the point is Country music has evolved into a hideous, hunchbacked, one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater that looks a lot like Gollum.

Oh...oh God

I want everyone to know that although I hate country, I mean no disrespect to any of my family lol I still love you all but I cannot stand your taste in music 😛 You’ll probably think the same way after I talk about my music tastes 😉

For me, any other music genre will do beside country, but the really amazing ones are Hardcore, Dubstep, and Classical. An odd mix yes, but amazing nevertheless. Let’s start with Hardcore. Amazing riffs, orgasmic breakdowns and the heaviest sounding vocals to ever come from someones mouth. Some of the greatest bands are The Devil Wears Prada, Asking Alexandria, Blind Witness, Miss May I, Attack Attack!, and there are many more really good bands. A lot of people just think that it is just noise and vocals that sound like someone throwing up(thank you mother)

"Karma's a bitch, right?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLQBebfEXpc, and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0sT7xfC3QY.Don’t ask questions, just watch them. Or don’t if you REALLY don’t want to.

Now for Dubstep. Dubstep originated across the pond in London, England. This music genre isn’t well known over here in America but it has gained a large following nevertheless thanks to a dubstep artist known as Skrillex. Dubstep sounds like two Transformers making sweet love in the best way possible. But really, the sound is amazing, it’s a lot of drum and bass with amazing drops and beats. It’s very awesome when you’ve had a few drinks and the beat just takes you away. Dubstep artists also do a lot of remixes of popular songs such as Katty Perry’s “E.T.” as well as video game songs, such as this ball-dropping piece right here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NU75uz0b8EU. Listen to it on the highest quality with the volume turned way up. You won’t regret it.

And Classical Music…do I need to say more? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-t5Nk49yZ Just listen to this and be taken by the music 😉 And on this song I say goodbye.

 
 

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This Is A Witty Heading #2! Grapple Hooks

Don’t you wish your Koala was hot like Uki? You’re damn right you do! This Koala is large (ladies) and in charge with nothing to loose except his good looks. So ask yourself America, would you vote Mr. Uki for President?

Today’s program is brought to you by the letter, G! “G” stands for a vast variety of words, such as Grapple Hooks, Giant Tree Limb, Godawful Idea, and Gargamel(you know, from The Smurfs?) I actually had to use a shoddy antique metal coat-hook to try and pull down a giant dead tree limb in our front yard….really mom? I FELT LIKE A DAMN NINJA! But after a half-hour trying and failing miserably I gave up. Sorry, I’m just not ready to be a ninja….*sob* Maybe if I called it a Hook-shot and wore a bright green tunic with a green cap I could have done it….hmmmm.

mmmm....Bacon =D

Epic is it not!?!?! How many of you wish or have wished that Pokemon were real? Be honest with me, I know I used to dream about being the ultimate Pokemon Master. I wanted to be the very best, like to no one ever was. But that dream died like my uncle left hand. What if the Hulk had Bipolar Disorder? Some people have argued with me that he DOES have Bipolar Disorder, but he DOES NOT! Read the comics folks, he only turns into the Hulk because for some reason, being blasted with gamma radiation causes you to turn big and green whenever you get angry….pshh, science.

 Never in my life have I been more annoyed at a character in a game than at Gary Mother-F*ckin’ Oak. Gonna get your first Pokemon? Give Gary Oak the one who can beat your ass with easiest. You can’t even gain the satisfaction of being the first to defeat a gym leader. Up until you reach the Elite Four and beat them, you think you’re tough shit, then Gary MOTHER-F*CKIN’ Oak turns out to have already beaten them! Never saw THAT comin’ did you? Gonna have to beat his cocky ass and be the very best! Let us take a moment and breath. You fail at every important battle, not because you lose, but because Gary Oak has already beaten you to it. Down the road of broken dreams you walk. =D

(Read the first word of each sentence)

I hope you’ve all enjoyed my ramblings and that little surprise I left you 😉 And remember, if you find yourself failing at life, just blame Gary Mother-F*cking Oak.

 

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Time To Blow Stuff Up

Yup, that’s about the extent of my 4th of July celebration this year. I actually consider myself lucky as I usually don’t do anything except pickup candy that was throw at high speed from a cop car driving slowly down a crowded street. I think it’s their way of saying sorry with candy while still shoving their boot up your ass. But seriously though, I am rarely given a chance to shoot of fireworks. The only downside to this particular occasion is that my fireworks look 30 years old. I honestly feel like Wile E. Coyote, but not as hairy or irresponsible.

I was given a big box full of these things for free from our next door neighbors. It was a really nice thing to do, but I have a feeling that something sinister is going on 0_o Perhaps a subtle sabotage with aged fireworks and a strapping young lad? *strokes invisible mustache* Firecrackers, sizzlers, zingers, tiny dynamite, bottle rockets, and more came in this box of dangerous goodies! It was like Christmas in July. A very American Christmas with dirt instead of snow.

To top off the bundle of joy that is my 4th of July, I won’t get to fire these baby’s off until I get off of work. At 12 at night. Yippee! I’m going to be tired as shit, needing a shower, and probably in a terrible mood so I am damn glad I’m getting to blow some shit up! You can bet I’ll be shouting obscenities late into the night 😉 Yet in all of this fun and excitement, I’ll be alone. I won’t be shooting fireworks with friends, I won’t have eaten BBQ, no hamburgers, and NO songs about America (THANK YOU!)

Work is definitely going to be hectic, how could it not be? People want to stuff their faces full of pizza, shouting AMURCAH! You DO know that pizza is Italian right? Just sayin’. So anyway, have a great 4th of July, eat until you hate yourself, and stare in awe of bright explosions, or make your own and blow a finger off. It’s your choice, just be careful lol

Happy Birthday America!

 
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Posted by on July 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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New Poem! Yaay

Let The Universe Collapse

Let the stars devour us
Let us step into the sleeping night
With your hand in mine
I can keep you safe from the approaching fire
Of the Weeping Planets

Can I save you if you let go?
This night calls for us both
Don’t give in
I can’t bear to see you fail

Let the cosmos engulf us
Let it take us to silence and darkness
Where pain is a fading memory
Upon the horizon of the universe
Stay with me
In my arms as we drift through serenity

However far you may fall
However lost you may become
I can promise you this
I can swear without pause
That I will be with you
In flesh and in blood
For you are the one I chose
To stay in the comfort of

I will soar through the open seas
Of endless dusk with you beside me
Walk through suffocating fire
Of torturous hell
For I swore to you that night

I gave the oath to the Falling Stars
When they give way to dust and ash
That I will still be by your side
I will keep you safe
I will be your guide
I will not see you fall
Alone and wanting
Because I love you

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2011 in Prose and Poetry

 

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New Weekly Segment! I’m The Goddamn Batman!

Starting today I will be posting a new segment where I review a different superhero every Friday! With this new segment I want to give you some info about what makes them awesome, their weaknesses (if you are planning anything), sidekicks, back-story and more! I hope you enjoy this lol

Batman
Behind the Music…I mean Mask

...I don't even know...

 Batman is one of the most recognized superheroes in the world, known as The Bat, the Dark Knight, The Caped Crusader, and more. He was created in 1939. That’s before WWII people, he’s fucking old and STILL kicking ass. For most comic book readers, Batman is an embodiment of what it’s like to be a normal person doing incredible things. Batman has no powers at all and is still considered a superhero! What Batman, who is Bruce Wayne if you didn’t know, does have is a huge amount of cash that he throws around like candy during a parade. He uses various bad ass gadgets such as the well-known batarang, a grapple-hook, the amazing Batmobile (I will talk about later), and much much more.

Sam Fisher is a bitch compare to this guy

Batman isn’t alone on his nightly hunt for justice and stuff like that. Over the years he has amassed a plethora of sidekicks, the most famous one being Robin the Boy Wonder, second famous I think is Batgirl, but who cares, it’s all about the male bonding…right? Back to the Bat.

Batman has had a rough life. Both of his parents were gunned down in an alleyway after they and ‘lil Bruce had just seen a movie together. Bruce’s innocent mind is broken when he witnesses the murder of his mother and father. From then on, he committed himself to bringing justice to the streets of Gotham City. His mind is like a damn supercomputer devoted to fighting crime, science, and detective work, while his body trained to perfect physical condition. He is virtually a superhuman and can stand his ground in a world where superpowers are everywhere. Not only does he have his sidekicks, he also has his faithful butler, Alfred. Alfred is Bruce’s family butler and was taking care of Bruce long before his parents were killed. Alfred takes care of Batman’s personal agendas, his costumes, gadgets and helps manage the coolest hideout ever, the BATCAVE! What kid didn’t want a Batcave? I know I did. Never got one 😦

Batman wouldn’t be as brooding without having a psychotic archenemy to worry about. The Joker is one of the greatest villains, if not the most well known. With the creepy clown-like face and famous evil grin, the Joker is like a child’s worst nightmare. Even though Batman has many more enemies, the Joker is by far the one whom he clashes with the most. The recent version of the Joker, played by the late Heath Ledger, is the most famous of all the incarnations.

Silly Monkey

Batman has become really popular in recent years, thanks to the new movies staring Christian Bale as the Caped Crusader. During the 90s the Batman films were just as popular with stars such as George Clooney, Uma Thurman, Jim Carrey, Danny DeVito, Christopher Walken, and who can forget AAAAHNALD Schwarzenegger! Back then Batman wore costumes with flashy designs, awesome armor, and oh yeah, NIPPLES! He actually had a costume with nipple dots on the armor….seriously guys? Moving on, the point is that it is a great thing that Batman is reemerging as a  popular icon for today’s generations. You don’t have to have the power of flight, speed, invisibility, or super strength to kick enough ass to fill a swimming pool with. You just need a lot of money and a trusty sidekick.

The last Batman movie, The Dark Knight, was a huge success and the new installation looks to just as good. He is the hero Gotham needs. He is the vengeance, he is the night, he is BATMAN!

 

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U Mad Bro?

I drew this!

Today kids, we are going to be talking about the Fantabulous internet sensation known as Troll Faces, more commonly called Rage Faces!

Troll/Rage faces are used for short online panel comics called Rage Comics. There is no real definitive purpose for these comics, other than to have a big tub of Lulz. There are over 9000!(not an actual statistic) rage faces all over the internets, with more being made using pictures of popular trends, like this right here!

My Little Rage Faces!

Is that not amazing? Does it not make you LOL? No?…damn…Anyway, there are a crap ton of sites all over the internet where you can find rage faces, rage comics, and Memes. I’ll talk about Memes in a future post, so hold your Ponies.

Some really popular rage faces include the classic Troll Face,the FUUUUU Guy, the Fuck Yeah guy, the AWW YEAH guy, and of course we can’t forget the Poker Face and Me Gusta. I love wasting precious hours of the night scrolling through endless pages of Rage Comics(I hate myself). People can make some really funny comics, and people can make really bad ones. Sometimes it’s a matter of whether or not you get the joke, understanding where the creator is coming from, or sometimes it’s just the problem of you finding a funny bone!

BURN THE WITCH!

You Monster.

Rage faces can and are used for everyday situations. Whether you stubbed your toe, tried to lie, asked “why!” for any reason, virtually everything you do in life, you can bet your sweet ass that someone has made a Rage Comic out of it. Situations like these pictures shown, really demonstrates the dire need for a rage face. As I said I have wasted countless hours looking at Rage Comics, and it can be just as easy for you to get hooked as well. I don’t know what it is that makes them so appealing but it sucks you in like a vacuum!
I’m not saying “Stay Away!“, I’m just saying be careful, you can lose your soul! 😀 Remember, safety first kids!

Best song ever

To some of you, these rage faces may seem…disturbing. I’ll admit that at first, I thought they were hideous and stupid looking. The way some of them were drawn wasn’t great and the troll face kept popping up everywhere! I was really getting annoyed by them until one day I just read a few Rage Comics. From then on I loved them! I finally understood what they were for and realized that they are supposed to look that way, and they are for making fun of people and things in life.

Some popular sites to find Rage Comics are http://ragecomics.memebase.com/,
http://imgur.com/r/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu, and
http://www.reddit.com/r/fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu/. If you know of any other sites let me know!

I hope you’ve enjoyed this infomercial and learned something today =P

 
 

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