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This Is Not My Sweat :[

Hey there you little goblins, how are you? You’ve all probably heard of the heat wave affecting us right? Well this weekend, I attended the first everThe two-day music festival was absolutely amazing! It was held at the Kansas Speedway in Kansas City and the music was going on inside and outside of the stadium. I must admit that even though I’ve only been to a few concerts/festivals, Kanrocksas topped the list after last night. Not only did I get to see some of my favorite bands up close, I got to enjoy it with Megan McGinnis and her family and friends 😀 I was sooo happy! She gave me a fright on Friday after she nearly passed out at the Arctic Monkeys concert, and again Saturday morning. Send her some get well wishes if you get the chance.

With any kind of concert in August, there’s bound to be heat. This heat doubles when it’s in Kansas. But despite this overwhelming heat, people still party themselves sick and sweaty. Nearly every guy at the festival went shirtless, whether he was chubby or skinny, muscly or chest-hair ridden. After an hour or so just standing out in the sun, people just stopped giving a fuck. Everyone and their mother was tan, burnt, hot, and slimy. I felt so disgusting just breathing in the afternoon air. When it came time for a band to perform, people crowded together so close that bodily fluids became one. At one point I was positive that none of the sweat on me was mine…I hope I was wrong.

So to break it down, the music was fucking awesome, the heat was fucking terrible, and the experience was fucking memorable. The Flaming Lips, The Black Keys, Ween, Bassnectar, 12th Planet, Kid Cudi, Cage the Elephant, Flogging Molly, The Arctic Monkeys, Fitz and the Tantrums, Girl Talk, UME, Primus, OK Go, Eminem, and Muse were the bands that we saw, although there were tons more that we weren’t able to see. We were up front for most of the bands which was awesomesauce. Muse put on the best show by far, next to The Flaming Lips.

The first night of the music festival we had planned to camp out in a tent, but once the day ended and we got to the camp site, waking up in a tent in Kansas in direct sunlight seemed like a bad idea. Instead, a friend and I slept outside in our sleeping bags under the stars, while Megan chose to sleep in the back of the van. If you’ve ever been camping you’ll know that waking up in a sleeping bag is shitty business, but waking up outside in a sleeping bag is downright disgusting. Whoever thought that putting the most moisture absorbing fabric on sleeping bags was a good idea should have been sent to Guantanamo Bay. The pillow I was sleeping on? Wet as a horny teenager 😦 I had a spot big enough for my face that was dry. It was a miserable experience that night, and was made worse by the unexpected fireworks that follow Eminem’s act. Rappers do not need fireworks. Fuck you Eminem. Fuck you.

After I got home I looked at my guitar and just felt anxious. I wanted to be able to play on stage in front of thousands of people one day, but I know that probably won’t happen 😛 All I can do is daydream about being on a hot stage, jumping around, and having a good, sweaty time. At least on stage I’m not being molested by other peoples sweat.

 
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Posted by on August 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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The Sun’s A Bastard.

Well Mr. Sun, looks like you’ve done it again. You’ve managed to make me loath you more than usual. Why? Well nothing TOO big, just that it was 113 FUCKING DEGREES OUTSIDE TODAY! You are the Jew to my Hitler you know that? Yeah just keep shining you smug bastard, I’ll have my revenge one of these days, you just wait and see!
Also, Fuck You Eskimos. Right now I envy you like no other. Why do you get the perpetual frost of ice and snow while we get the perpetual melting of rubber and asphalt!? Seriously though, It’s hotter than shweaty balls outside and it’s not getting any better. I actually tried cooking an egg outside and you know what, within 10 minutes, IT SIZZLED! We. Are. SOO. FUCKED.

Fans? LOL fuck that shit, they don’t help! I’d rather stick my D*ck in the freezer honestly. At least it won’t be the first thing to melt off of my body. Back in my old house we owned a large family sized ice box, big enough to hold a dead body. No joke. When it would get too hot in the basement(No A/C[fuck]) we would take out all the frozen food and just lay in that bitch like it was nothing.

Cocaine Bear will FUCK. YOU. UP.

Give me an ice cold glass of water and I’ll chug that shit faster than Charlie Sheen can snort cocaine man. If I see a pool while I’m out and about, I will jump into that thing without a second thought. I don’t give a fuck if your kids are playing in it right now Sir, tell them to get the FUCK out of MY new pool!
We must appease the God of Rain my children, we must make the blood sacrifice if we are to ever bathe in the sweet, moist, wet and wild gift of the Gods. We could sacrifice Casey Anthony, or even Oprah, hell you can give ’em Amy Winehouse! (*Wait what? She’s already dead? THEN YOU DIG UP THAT CORPSE DAMMIT*) Ahem, pardon me for that sudden outburst.That Oprah bit was uncalled for.

I was so tempted to whip out the good old sprinkler today, but when I turned the faucet water on, the water was hot when it came out of the hose….Are you fucking kidding me? The Heat is really getting to me. It’s starting to affect the way I think, the way I feel. Even the way I shower now has been altered thanks to the sun’s sweaty mind-fucking.

Every. single. time.

 

 

 

The sun is one evil bastard isn’t he? He is sort of like a really bad boyfriend. At certain times he is way to forceful, always wants to be all up in your personal space, making things uncomfortable. Other times he is way too distant and gives you the cold shoulder, leaving you wondering if he still cares. You just can’t break up with the sun, that’d be to much of a strain on the whole, earth-needs-sunlight thing.

My only solution is that we all develop gills and move to the tropics. But the sun will probably fuck us up there eventually. Why? Simply because

There is no hope.

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Rants

 

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