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The Sun’s A Bastard.

Well Mr. Sun, looks like you’ve done it again. You’ve managed to make me loath you more than usual. Why? Well nothing TOO big, just that it was 113 FUCKING DEGREES OUTSIDE TODAY! You are the Jew to my Hitler you know that? Yeah just keep shining you smug bastard, I’ll have my revenge one of these days, you just wait and see!
Also, Fuck You Eskimos. Right now I envy you like no other. Why do you get the perpetual frost of ice and snow while we get the perpetual melting of rubber and asphalt!? Seriously though, It’s hotter than shweaty balls outside and it’s not getting any better. I actually tried cooking an egg outside and you know what, within 10 minutes, IT SIZZLED! We. Are. SOO. FUCKED.

Fans? LOL fuck that shit, they don’t help! I’d rather stick my D*ck in the freezer honestly. At least it won’t be the first thing to melt off of my body. Back in my old house we owned a large family sized ice box, big enough to hold a dead body. No joke. When it would get too hot in the basement(No A/C[fuck]) we would take out all the frozen food and just lay in that bitch like it was nothing.

Cocaine Bear will FUCK. YOU. UP.

Give me an ice cold glass of water and I’ll chug that shit faster than Charlie Sheen can snort┬ácocaine┬áman. If I see a pool while I’m out and about, I will jump into that thing without a second thought. I don’t give a fuck if your kids are playing in it right now Sir, tell them to get the FUCK out of MY new pool!
We must appease the God of Rain my children, we must make the blood sacrifice if we are to ever bathe in the sweet, moist, wet and wild gift of the Gods. We could sacrifice Casey Anthony, or even Oprah, hell you can give ’em Amy Winehouse! (*Wait what? She’s already dead? THEN YOU DIG UP THAT CORPSE DAMMIT*) Ahem, pardon me for that sudden outburst.That Oprah bit was uncalled for.

I was so tempted to whip out the good old sprinkler today, but when I turned the faucet water on, the water was hot when it came out of the hose….Are you fucking kidding me? The Heat is really getting to me. It’s starting to affect the way I think, the way I feel. Even the way I shower now has been altered thanks to the sun’s sweaty mind-fucking.

Every. single. time.

 

 

 

The sun is one evil bastard isn’t he? He is sort of like a really bad boyfriend. At certain times he is way to forceful, always wants to be all up in your personal space, making things uncomfortable. Other times he is way too distant and gives you the cold shoulder, leaving you wondering if he still cares. You just can’t break up with the sun, that’d be to much of a strain on the whole, earth-needs-sunlight thing.

My only solution is that we all develop gills and move to the tropics. But the sun will probably fuck us up there eventually. Why? Simply because

There is no hope.

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Rants

 

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