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The Sun’s A Bastard.

Well Mr. Sun, looks like you’ve done it again. You’ve managed to make me loath you more than usual. Why? Well nothing TOO big, just that it was 113 FUCKING DEGREES OUTSIDE TODAY! You are the Jew to my Hitler you know that? Yeah just keep shining you smug bastard, I’ll have my revenge one of these days, you just wait and see!
Also, Fuck You Eskimos. Right now I envy you like no other. Why do you get the perpetual frost of ice and snow while we get the perpetual melting of rubber and asphalt!? Seriously though, It’s hotter than shweaty balls outside and it’s not getting any better. I actually tried cooking an egg outside and you know what, within 10 minutes, IT SIZZLED! We. Are. SOO. FUCKED.

Fans? LOL fuck that shit, they don’t help! I’d rather stick my D*ck in the freezer honestly. At least it won’t be the first thing to melt off of my body. Back in my old house we owned a large family sized ice box, big enough to hold a dead body. No joke. When it would get too hot in the basement(No A/C[fuck]) we would take out all the frozen food and just lay in that bitch like it was nothing.

Cocaine Bear will FUCK. YOU. UP.

Give me an ice cold glass of water and I’ll chug that shit faster than Charlie Sheen can snort cocaine man. If I see a pool while I’m out and about, I will jump into that thing without a second thought. I don’t give a fuck if your kids are playing in it right now Sir, tell them to get the FUCK out of MY new pool!
We must appease the God of Rain my children, we must make the blood sacrifice if we are to ever bathe in the sweet, moist, wet and wild gift of the Gods. We could sacrifice Casey Anthony, or even Oprah, hell you can give ’em Amy Winehouse! (*Wait what? She’s already dead? THEN YOU DIG UP THAT CORPSE DAMMIT*) Ahem, pardon me for that sudden outburst.That Oprah bit was uncalled for.

I was so tempted to whip out the good old sprinkler today, but when I turned the faucet water on, the water was hot when it came out of the hose….Are you fucking kidding me? The Heat is really getting to me. It’s starting to affect the way I think, the way I feel. Even the way I shower now has been altered thanks to the sun’s sweaty mind-fucking.

Every. single. time.

 

 

 

The sun is one evil bastard isn’t he? He is sort of like a really bad boyfriend. At certain times he is way to forceful, always wants to be all up in your personal space, making things uncomfortable. Other times he is way too distant and gives you the cold shoulder, leaving you wondering if he still cares. You just can’t break up with the sun, that’d be to much of a strain on the whole, earth-needs-sunlight thing.

My only solution is that we all develop gills and move to the tropics. But the sun will probably fuck us up there eventually. Why? Simply because

There is no hope.

 
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Posted by on August 2, 2011 in Rants

 

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This Is A Witty Heading #2! Grapple Hooks

Don’t you wish your Koala was hot like Uki? You’re damn right you do! This Koala is large (ladies) and in charge with nothing to loose except his good looks. So ask yourself America, would you vote Mr. Uki for President?

Today’s program is brought to you by the letter, G! “G” stands for a vast variety of words, such as Grapple Hooks, Giant Tree Limb, Godawful Idea, and Gargamel(you know, from The Smurfs?) I actually had to use a shoddy antique metal coat-hook to try and pull down a giant dead tree limb in our front yard….really mom? I FELT LIKE A DAMN NINJA! But after a half-hour trying and failing miserably I gave up. Sorry, I’m just not ready to be a ninja….*sob* Maybe if I called it a Hook-shot and wore a bright green tunic with a green cap I could have done it….hmmmm.

mmmm....Bacon =D

Epic is it not!?!?! How many of you wish or have wished that Pokemon were real? Be honest with me, I know I used to dream about being the ultimate Pokemon Master. I wanted to be the very best, like to no one ever was. But that dream died like my uncle left hand. What if the Hulk had Bipolar Disorder? Some people have argued with me that he DOES have Bipolar Disorder, but he DOES NOT! Read the comics folks, he only turns into the Hulk because for some reason, being blasted with gamma radiation causes you to turn big and green whenever you get angry….pshh, science.

 Never in my life have I been more annoyed at a character in a game than at Gary Mother-F*ckin’ Oak. Gonna get your first Pokemon? Give Gary Oak the one who can beat your ass with easiest. You can’t even gain the satisfaction of being the first to defeat a gym leader. Up until you reach the Elite Four and beat them, you think you’re tough shit, then Gary MOTHER-F*CKIN’ Oak turns out to have already beaten them! Never saw THAT comin’ did you? Gonna have to beat his cocky ass and be the very best! Let us take a moment and breath. You fail at every important battle, not because you lose, but because Gary Oak has already beaten you to it. Down the road of broken dreams you walk. =D

(Read the first word of each sentence)

I hope you’ve all enjoyed my ramblings and that little surprise I left you 😉 And remember, if you find yourself failing at life, just blame Gary Mother-F*cking Oak.

 

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Frank Sinatra and Minecraft, Together At Last!

In 19 years of my meager existence, I have come to the assumption that my life will be divided into several parts that I dedicate my time to in the years to come. Of these parts, I know for certain that two of them will be dedicated to singing my heart out to Frank Sinatra and wasting countless hours on the more-addicting-than-crack game, known as Minecraft.

Let’s start with Franky first.

Frank Sinatra, how you get so smooth lookin'?

To me, Ol’ Blue Eyes is one of, if not the greatest, jazz/swing/Big Band/lounge singers of his time and ours. Some people think that most of his songs are alike and they sound too similar. If you were writing songs about love, heartbreak, and women, wouldn’t it sound alike to a point? You can only go so far with a type of songwriting and Frank took it to the max. As a kid I had heard of him and I only knew about the incredibly famous songs, but nothing more. I knew that he was famous and that he was a great songwriter, but it was one of those things that if someone asked me if I knew anything about him my immediate reply would be “Oh yeah I love that guy!” when in truth, I didn’t know jack shit 😛 Now, years later I am in love with this guy, his music, and the emotion he puts behind each and every one of his songs. I love singing out loud(by myself) to his music whenever possible and by doing so I have actually become more confident in myself! Also, I don’t like to brag but, I can sing his tunes really well. So without a doubt, I can say that Franky has really helped me along and I will be belting out his songs for years to come.

And on to MINECRAFT!!1!

One of my bases. It took a while!

So if you’ve been living under a rock, or you just have the self-restraint of a monk, Minecraft is a really, really, incredibly simple, addicting game created by a God known as Markus Persson. Minecraft is a beautiful game in its own right, as it allows you to create nearly anything your heart desires. Except friends…you will only lose those over time(unless you get them hooked :D) This game combines the creative concept of Legos with the freedom of a randomly generated world. The goal of this game is yours to decide. As the name implies, mining is going to be a part of this game somehow. You can choose to build your dream house in peace, or be challenged to collect materials by day and create a base before darkness falls and the creatures of the night come out to hunt. The experience is going to be fun no matter what. If you get hurt, go find a pig, kill it, get bacon, eat, repeat. Remember to cook it first!

Keep in mind that when starting out, it can seems confusing, even frustrating trying to get a handle on all the recipes. By going to http://www.minecraftwiki.net/wiki/Minecraft_Wiki, you can find all the information you would need about the game. Also,

Cow, how you get so silly lookin'?

remember that you are not constrained by any boundaries, you are free to make whatever your imagination can create and you shouldn’t ever give up on that 20 story palace, even if it seems impossible 😉

I plan on posting more about Minecraft in the future; what I’ve built, what my plans are, all that jazz, so stay tuned after this commercial break! 😀

Tschüs!

 
 

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