Have A Gander At My Pokemon!

So I’ve put this off for a while now and I feel that I’m ready to get back to the blogging world. In honor of my not-so-glorious return, I have decided to talk about the world’s most sought after little bastards. That’s right,

Fuck yes

When I was a kid, I didn’t know of anyone who was not a huge Poke-nerd. It was hard not to be, I mean come on, a world full of cute/badass monsters with amazing powers and every 10 year old kid had to set out on an exciting journey as a Pokemon Trainer to become Pokemon Master! You get to battle with monsters AND get get away from your parents! What’s not to love?

Everything about the world of Pokemon was amazing, EVERYTHING! No one cared about the fact that catching all 150 Pokemon was a daunting task, they just HAD to Catch ‘Em All. The whole cult-like phenomena started

If you didn't have this, your parents didn't love you.

with the pants-jizzingly addictive Red and Blue Game Boy Color games, as well as the oh-so special Yellow Versionthat I personally spent years playing. I will never get the time wasted on those games back…and I don’t even regret it :D. It was so new, so fun, so awesome, and yet so simple of a concept. If you haven’t yet figured it out, Pokemon is, at its core, Rock, Paper, Scissors! But as a kid, who gives a shit huh?

Things got even better with the arrival of the Anime series as well as the Trading Card Game. We addicts finally had a way to waste even more of our lives while pretending to live in a fantastic fantasy world. Our mothers and fathers (and school teachers) were just about fed up with us and our obsession, but they just didn’t understand! They were too old to start their Pokemon journey anyway 😛 But, like everything else that we kids got hooked on, Pokemon eventually lost its grasp on us. We had become “too old” and believed Pokemon to be “for little kids”. We lost all interest in the little critters that we had sold our souls to and put the Poke-past behind us.

And then they made new Pokemon!

Life was beautiful again. There were new adventures, new dangers, and most importantly, new Pokemon! 100+ new Pokemon species were available for us to drool over again with the Gold and Silver versions. It felt like a whole new experience. The new Pokemon were interesting, the new moves were awesome, and of course the new starter Pokemon were more bad ass. Yet once again, we became bored after a few years and put our Game Boys away for good. Or so we thought 😉 With the introduction of the Game Boy Advanced the arrival of a new Pokemon game was highly expected and we waited and waited diligently. Once it finally arrived we, now teenagers, decided to try it for old times sake. The new Ruby and Sapphire. Good game. Kinda getting a bit repetitive though. And the new Pokemon? Meh…cool I guess.

I couldn’t help thinking that Pokemon had become just another franchise that pushed out new games for the sole purpose of making money. It wasn’t about entertaining kids anymore, those of us who started the Poke-Rage had already grown up and moved on to other things. I still played the games, but I never felt the same way about them as I had in the past. They are now in the 5th Generation of Pokemon and I have to say that they are the worst lot I have set my Pokemon Master eyes upon. I mean…really, they have an ice-cream cone Pokemon…an ICE CREAM CONE! They have really fallen hard trying to come up with interesting designs.

A mustache?...What the fuck 😐

WHAT THE FUCK AM I!??!?!?!

The original 150 Pokemon were great, the next 100, awesome, but after adding over 400 additional species? Pathetic. I have lost all faith in Pokemon as a human being, but I still have that spot in my heart reserved for the Poke-Nerd that I once was. I still dream of the days when I trained my Pokemon with love and compassion, leveling them up, defeating gym leader after gym leader. The time when I finally received my last Gym Badge from Giovanni and faced the legendary Elite Four! One by one they fell before me and my powerful Pokemon until I became the Pokemon Master! Now all I can say is that I won’t even try to become the Poke-Master. Who has the time anymore? Who has the money? The new Pokemon are just a former shell of the glorious days of PokeMania. I can’t be the only one who hasn’t resumed their quest of catching them all.

So let me ask you.

Will you step up to the task of completing the Pokemon Journey you started over 10 years ago?
Will you catch ’em all? And most importantly,
Will you be the very best, like no one ever was? 

 

This Is A Witty Heading #2! Grapple Hooks

Don’t you wish your Koala was hot like Uki? You’re damn right you do! This Koala is large (ladies) and in charge with nothing to loose except his good looks. So ask yourself America, would you vote Mr. Uki for President?

Today’s program is brought to you by the letter, G! “G” stands for a vast variety of words, such as Grapple Hooks, Giant Tree Limb, Godawful Idea, and Gargamel(you know, from The Smurfs?) I actually had to use a shoddy antique metal coat-hook to try and pull down a giant dead tree limb in our front yard….really mom? I FELT LIKE A DAMN NINJA! But after a half-hour trying and failing miserably I gave up. Sorry, I’m just not ready to be a ninja….*sob* Maybe if I called it a Hook-shot and wore a bright green tunic with a green cap I could have done it….hmmmm.

mmmm....Bacon =D

Epic is it not!?!?! How many of you wish or have wished that Pokemon were real? Be honest with me, I know I used to dream about being the ultimate Pokemon Master. I wanted to be the very best, like to no one ever was. But that dream died like my uncle left hand. What if the Hulk had Bipolar Disorder? Some people have argued with me that he DOES have Bipolar Disorder, but he DOES NOT! Read the comics folks, he only turns into the Hulk because for some reason, being blasted with gamma radiation causes you to turn big and green whenever you get angry….pshh, science.

 Never in my life have I been more annoyed at a character in a game than at Gary Mother-F*ckin’ Oak. Gonna get your first Pokemon? Give Gary Oak the one who can beat your ass with easiest. You can’t even gain the satisfaction of being the first to defeat a gym leader. Up until you reach the Elite Four and beat them, you think you’re tough shit, then Gary MOTHER-F*CKIN’ Oak turns out to have already beaten them! Never saw THAT comin’ did you? Gonna have to beat his cocky ass and be the very best! Let us take a moment and breath. You fail at every important battle, not because you lose, but because Gary Oak has already beaten you to it. Down the road of broken dreams you walk. =D

(Read the first word of each sentence)

I hope you’ve all enjoyed my ramblings and that little surprise I left you 😉 And remember, if you find yourself failing at life, just blame Gary Mother-F*cking Oak.